Scenarios: Reality
by DsLG81
Summary: I still have hope for FitzSimmons. Sometimes you have to tear them down to their foundation to build them back up stronger...at least I hope that's where the Powers That Be are going with this whole thing.


Maybe it was true, Jemma thought. You can't go home again.

She laid in her bunk after her first day back going over every detail in her head. Something that would alleviate this heaviness in her stomach. Something that would convince her that this was the right move.

Walking back on the Bus was like taking a stroll through a dream. The Bus had been altered quite a bit. There was still a lot of damage done from when SHIELD opened fire on them so many months ago. But she could still imagine when it was intact and it was considered their safe haven.

Not so much anymore. Like all the members of the team that once inhabited it, it had changed. As it turns out, no one or thing came out of that last battle with HYDRA unscathed.

That unsettled Jemma to no end. Her team now was virtually unrecognizable from the one she joined last year.

Ward, once their Specialist, now is just a monster that lurks in their basement. She couldn't stand to look at him. She never wanted to save him. Didn't think he deserved it. After the first few attempts of him trying to take his own life, she decided to take Coulson up on his "offer" of going undercover. Was a much better use of her time than having to repeatedly save that bastard.

Coulson knew she was ready for the undercover op. He knew before she was ready to admit it. Probably what made him so good at his job. But this new position was already showing signs of strain on the new director of SHIELD. Jemma knew Coulson wouldn't tell her what was going really on, even if she dared asked. But she did tell him that if he needed anything, she'd be just a short plan ride away.

Even now, upon her return, he looked more worn. Coulson was still his trademark self. But there was a tension behind his demeanor now. As he debriefed her, Jemma hoped that if he didn't confide in her, that May would know what was going on.

May was her usual reserved self. If anything could be counted on, it was May's demeanor to reassure Jemma that she hadn't actually been accidentally sucked into a worm hole to a slightly different dimension. May stood beside Jemma at the debrief meeting with Coulson. After that and a quick "Good to have you back, Simmons," Jemma was dismissed and allowed to rejoin the team.

To Jemma's conflicting dismay and relief, Skye was currently out on an op with Trip, Bobbie and someone named Hunter. She was very aware of how things were left with Skye. Jemma understood the protocol and depending on when Coulson or May decided to tell Skye that Jemma had left on orders, there might be a certain amount of anger that Skye had to deal with regarding Jemma's absence.

This hurt. Besides Fitz, Skye was Simmons' closest friend on the Bus. To have her think that she abandoned the team at such a critical time was just wrong. But it was for everyone's protection. And although it had been a long road for Skye, she has come to understand that orders from the director are not to be questioned too deeply. The pain that was generated from this deception would pass. Jemma was sure of it. Skye was still Skye after all; the spy version of herself was just a little more cultivated under May's teachings.

Jemma spent the rest of the day roaming The Playground. She finally found Fitz in the new lab with an agent she hadn't met before. The pair seemed to be discussing some details regarding an old design. She hung back behind some crates, just listening for a while. Fitz's word association was coming along. He was calm. He was able to express himself with much more clarity. Before she left, Jemma witnessed Fitz's frequent frustration at not being able to turn the simplest thoughts into conversation. He yelled at her when she tried to help finish his sentences for him. Jemma tried to convince Fitz (and herself) that it was only a matter of time before he started to come back to status quo. But every time he apologized to her for yelling again, she couldn't help but think: I did this to you.

Jemma stayed just long enough to satisfy her need to know that Fitz was alright. She was about to leave when she thought she heard her name mentioned by the other agent. Although it sounded like it was a question, she didn't catch what exactly was asked.

"Look, man," said the other agent. "I get that you don't want to talk about Agent Simmons but I need to understand how you designed the Icers if we are going to take these ideas to the next level."

Didn't want to talk about her?

Jemma thought that he reasoned that he couldn't be too mad at her, protocol being what it was and all. You're asked to leave, "choice" or not, you pack up and do it. If you're "asked" not to speak to anyone about it, you maintain silence.

Jemma also had to acknowledge that if Fitz knew that even the slightest bit of her wanted to take this op, for whatever reason, he would not be happy with her. From there, combined with his TBI, it was anyone's guess on how Fitz would react to seeing her again. Regulating his emotions was not his strong suit, even when he was well.

This had been a long day already, Jemma thought. Maybe she should turn in.

No.

Jemma took a deep breath and stepped out from behind the crates. The other agent and Fitz looked up in her direction as the sound of her footsteps seemed to bounce off the walls.

Breathe, Jemma.

"Hullo," She addressed them both, trying out her best "I'm denying I'm nervous as hell" greeting.

The other agent came around the table that they were sitting at first. "Hey there. You must be the new Sci-Ops recruit that Coulson said he was picking up. I'm Agent Mack," he said extending his hand.

Confused for a second, Jemma shook it off with a smile and returned his handshake "I'm sorry. I should've introduced myself. I'm Agent-"

"Simmons."

Jemma and Mack both turned to look at Fitz.

Mack looked back quickly at Jemma as he released her hand. "You mean you're-?"

Jemma smiled, somewhat sadly. "The one and only."

"You sure are, " Mack said, matter-of-factly. "Well, I'm sure you two have plenty to talk about. "

Yup. Sure do, thought Jemma. Suddenly, she didn't want Mack to leave so soon but he excused himself with a quick "Nice to meet you, Agent Simmons" and exited the room.

Even though it may have only been for 10 seconds, it felt like it took Jemma forever to make the first move.

"You look good."

Fitz crossed his arms, slowly, regarding her carefully. "Thanks."

Jemma tried again. "How've you been?"

He looked away. "Okay."

For a minute, Jemma didn't know where to go with this. She looked around the new lab and started to walk around. "They've changed this a bit, haven't they?"

Fitz looked up at her. "Yeah."

She took a mental inventory of what was in the glass cabinets. "It's been awhile since I've seen this place."

"I know," she heard him say. "You left."

Here we go. Breathe, Jemma.

Jemma turned around to face a sullen Fitz. "I know. I'm sorry, Fitz."

"Are you really?"

Swallowing hard, she replied, "I am."

Fitz nodded his head slightly and looked away, instead trying to focus on the tablet on the work table.

This knot in Jemma's stomach was not going away. Although this wasn't going as awful as she originally thought it could have gone, Jemma didn't want to push her luck too far on the first day back. Even asking for a hug from him would feel like too much at this point.

"Well," she said, "I'm going to turn in. Big day back and all. Coulson said he wanted to see me early in the morning." Jemma realized she was starting to ramble and Fitz was pretending like he wasn't even really listening.

"Okay," he mumbled. "Good night, Simmons."

Mmmmkay.

Jemma took that as her cue to leave and made her way silently out of the lab.

She found her way through the Playground and back to her bunk. Jemma laid on her bed, hugged her pillow and stared at the ceiling. She knew Fitz had questions for her. She knew that lying was not an option when it came to him and to answer him truthfully would hurt Fitz. That to tell him chief among the reasons why she left was that the reason he was different is because of her, not Ward.

Maybe it would be a better day tomorrow. Or maybe she'd approach Coulson about that transfer...

Then there came a soft knock at her door that took Jemma out of her thoughts. She wiped away a stray tear that had escaped from her eye before getting up to open the door.

"Fitz?"

He stood just outside her door. The look in his eyes pleaded with her. "I need to know."

The questioning look on Jemma's face prompted Fitz again. "I need to know why, Jemma."

"Why what, Fitz?"

Mildly exasperated, Fitz choked. "WHY? Why you saved me and then left me when I needed help the most. Why I'm stuck here now that I can't do anything new for this team. Why is it so easy for you to go and I can't get you out of my damn head. Pick one, Jemma, please. Because for the life of me, I can't explain any of it."

Shocked, Jemma couldn't think of anything to say.

"I thought so," Fitz said staring her down. "You know, I was there for you, every insane step of the way here. You didn't have to ask me to be because I was already there. But when I needed you-" Fitz just looked away and shook his head. His eyes were glassy as he looked anywhere else but directly at her. "Never mind," he finally said, with a wavering tone to his voice. "This was a mistake."

Jemma closed her eyes just as he was turning to leave, trying to stop the flow of tears.

"Because I failed," she admitted. "I couldn't save you."

Fitz turned back to Jemma. She didn't dare move from her doorway.

"I tried. I really did. I know that you resent me most days because you know you're not the same person," Jemma told him, willing her voice to not shake as much as it was already. "So I took the assignment to get away. Because I can't stand to see what this did to you. What you think of me for trying to save you. And I was only making you worse. At least at HYDRA, I could research chemicals with restorative properties in brain cell function. Bring you back to me."

"Jemma, this was never the plan," Fitz told her quietly.

"What? So I was just supposed to agree to let you die? Is it THAT plan we're talking about?" Jemma's voice continued to increase in volume.

"Jemma-"

But she just got louder. "I'm supposed to accept you sacrificing yourself for me-"

Fitz tried again. "Jemma-"

And then she was just gone. "And it's not okay for me to leave to find a way to take back what HYDRA stole from me?!"

"No, its not!" He fired back. "You weren't supposed to go off and...and...and play hero! You could've been killed!"

"Do you know what its been like for me? Do you, Fitz?" she pleaded. "I've had to sit by and watch you struggle. After watching you for so long, I finally figured out that the only chance you have of recovering is if I back off! Me. The one who has been there for you everyday since the Academy. The one who has thought about you almost every minute since I left."

"But Jemma, you couldn't even call, write an email, or even send a friggin' text," Fitz asserted. "If I meant that much to you-"

"Why can't you see that I let you go because I love you too much to see you fail, Fitz!"

Suddenly, it seemed like there was nothing left to be said. She meant to keep that in her reserve but the admission came out before she could stop it, almost as though someone else was speaking for her.

The shock that washed over Fitz's face...she couldn't believe she just said that.

"You're saying..."Fitz began, trembling. "You're saying the reason you don't want to be with me...and...and...the reason you left..."

Jemma couldn't stop the tears if she wanted to now. "I'm not good for you, Fitz. I love you...but right now, its not what you need..."

Silence settled between the two. For 30 seconds, they both just stood there. No one wanted to speak first. Finally, Fitz wiped his eyes, shook his head and left.

Jemma's back found the wall and slid down until she was sitting on the floor. So tired, Jemma wrapped her arms around her knees and rested her head on her arms. She felt like she had been keeping that to herself forever, ever since before she left. Just like all the changes that had happened around them, FitzSimmons, as they knew themselves to be for so long, was essentially done.


End file.
